“Screw you, dickwads!” you yell at your parents. “I don’t brush my teeth for nobody!”

Your parents respond to your rudeness by cancelling the trip to the Easter Show. They also cancel all your remaining birthdays and forbid you from ever kissing a girl or boy (delete according to preference).

Fortunately, this last point is moot, as your disgusting breath and gross grey teeth ensure that nobody will ever come near you, and you die an agonising death at the age of fourteen from a particularly monstrous cavity.

You become a tooth-ghost, and end up haunting your younger sister’s toothbrush, until one day your dad is forced to use it to unclog the S-bend in the toilet.

It’s a pretty embarrassing way to go, frankly.


Patrick Magee always brushes his teeth so hard that his gums bleed. He can be followed on Twitter or you can like his page on Facebook.


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