An Aussie Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas
But where was the snow?
For this Yuletide story
To Australia we’ll go!

Up north they’ve got reindeer
To pull Santa’s sleigh.
Down south things are different.
But how? I hear you say.

The sleigh’s pulled by wattles
And other native plants.
And instead of presents,
It carries bags of ants.aussiexmas001Saint Nick has a list
Of who’s naughty and nice.
And in rural Australia,
Who’s hepped up on ice.

You won’t see many chimneys
In Hobart or Brisbane,
So jolly Father Christmas
Climbs on down the fan.

The blades spin so quickly,
They cut him up good.
‘Til soon there’s a shower
Of festive red blood.

We feed it to the Christmas tree
Which gives you quite a shock.
I bet you weren’t expecting
To see a full-size croc!

xmascroc.pngThe crocodile’s our Christmas God.
He brings us gifts and joy
And asks for nothing but a taste
Of blood and girls and boys.

Kill all the non-believers.
Destroy their Christmas cake.
You must feed them to crocodile
The cruel legged snake.

Wombat! Beach! Et cetera!
And other Aussie things!
Forget the baby Jesus,
The funnel-web’s our king.

xmas spider.png

So keep your nog and holly
And snow that falls for miles.
Make mine an Aussie Christmas
ALL HAIL THE CROCODILE

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Tony Abbott Resigns After Reading Satirical Article Online

tonyabbott

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott today announced his resignation after reading a satirical article about himself online.

“It really came as a shock,” said Mr Abbott at a press conference, “finding out that people on the Internet thought of me like that. I honestly believed I was doing a pretty good job, but I always said that all it’d take for me to resign would be one snarkily written article on a website.”

“I guess that day has come.”

“I suppose I’d assumed it’d be the horrific human rights abuses, or the cosying up to big business at the expense of action on climate change, or even the blatant attempts to destroy and degrade the working class that’d bring me down. But no, it was once the counter on that article ticked over to 10K shares on Facebook that I knew my days in the Lodge were numbered.”

Mr Abbott also announced that he would be reversing all legislation and policies that had been satirised during his time in office, including Operation Sovereign Borders, the GP co-payment and his own ears. He also made a personal request that people stop sharing the gif of him winking during an ABC Local Radio interview (see below) as he “hadn’t realised how creepy it looked until it had been repeatedly used in a number of online opinion pieces to prove some point or other.”

The article’s author, Sydney-based comedian and satirist Robert Polycarp, released a statement after Mr Abbott’s announcement. “The time has come for the Australian public to realise that all it takes to make the world a better place is not through engagement with democracy or by direct action, but for one man to write a humorous article in which a well-known politician is put into a situation you wouldn’t normally expect them to be in, or where their beliefs and policies are taken to a hilariously wacky extreme.”

“And for people to share that article amongst all their like-minded friends, obviously.”

“For those who accuse us Australian satirists of wanking into the echo chamber,” continued Polycarp, “let me say this: today, the echo chamber has made its smug, sticky voice heard!”

In related news, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten also announced his resignation, for the same reason as Tony Abbott. When pressed, Mr Shorten admitted that he hadn’t actually read any satirical articles about himself, but that he was “sure there had to be some out there, right guys? Guys?”

NB: Some of my best friends are satirists.

When he’s not wanking into the echo chamber, Patrick Magee was the third tropical storm and first hurricane of the 2003 Atlantic hurricane season. You can follow him on Twitter here or like him on Facebook here.