Like a Liberal election manifesto, New Year’s resolutions are a series of loud lies that you hope everyone will have forgotten about in three months time (#satire). Last year, I tried to trick myself into sticking to my promises by posting them up on this blog.
What I failed to take into account was (a) the blog’s dwindling readership, (b) the number of non-English speaking people who make up that readership (olá Brasil!) and (c) my own inherent capacity for self-sabotage and laziness. In fact, the only thing I’m better at than destroying my own future is an absolute refusal to learn from the mistakes of my past, so without further ado I present my
2015 New Year’s Resolutions
- Write Pat Magee’s Big Break
In 2005, I starred in a direct-to-DVD movie called Gene-X, a movie best described as a feature length episode of Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace.
Watching Gene-X has become something of an annual tradition amongst me and my friends, and recently it was suggested that I turn my series of horrifying anecdotes from the shoot into a stand-up show. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
- Buy Some New Shoes
This was the breakout hit from last year’s resolutions. I’m bringing it back for a second go.
- Write A Short Story Every Week Fortnight
Short stories are easy. They’re like regular stories, but you don’t have to worry about chapters or plot or any of that bullshit. Basically, as long as your main character has some sort of epiphany two thirds of the way through or you set it in a foreign city with a more authentic way of life, you’ve won at short storying.
(There’s a sub-resolution to this, which is to start and hopefully finish my novel about bushrangers that I’ve been researching for the last few months. It’s definitely a lot cooler and sexier than it sounds. Actually…)
- Follow Through On Projects
Here is a list of the things I’d like to have achieved by the end of the year: start a sketch comedy podcast, sing in a choir, write and record a radio play, go to a “gym”, write and record a short film, rewrite and illustrate Troll! The Ancient Yuletide Carol. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
- Eat An Avocado
This is another carry-on from next year. I’ve had avocado and Vegemite on toast, I’ve had blue cheese guacamole, but I still haven’t managed to sit down and scoop out the slime from the inside of Mr Toad’s head.
I’ll do it in 2015, I promise.