Bad news, buddy. Your time has come. It’s been a long, hard struggle, but we can now finally say that we’ve eradicated cancer from the world entirely. And it’s all down to one person, one humble, everyday hero – me.
You’re probably wondering how I did it – science? medicine? the dark arts/necromancy? No. I took a photo of myself without makeup and posted it on Facebook. Through doing that, I raised awareness – before I posted that photo, most people had probably never even heard of cancer.
Johnny Science will tell you that cancer has a wide variety of causes and treatments that make it unsuitable for a one-size-fits-all approach. Professor Test-tube would have you think that the way to cure cancer is through regular donations of actual cash money, and his pal Doctor Bunsen McCatscan reckons that it requires a continued commitment by successive governments to fund cancer research institutes. They couldn’t be more wrong.
Raising awareness is the only way to cure cancer, because the more people that look at cancer, the less deadly it becomes. Like those ghosts in Super Mario 64. Just by writing about cancer now, I’m helping to raise awareness. And I’m making it look both easy and sexy, which is ultimately how I’d like to be remembered.
This isn’t the first time I’ve changed the world, of course. A few years ago, I shared a video about a robot called KONY-2012, who was programmed to kidnap children. As is my understanding, it was as a direct result of me posting that video to Twitter that led to Mr Two-Thousand-And-Twelve being arrested and fired directly into the Sun, which as we know is the traditional method of deactivating a murderous robot.
Am I a hero? In many ways, yes. In many other ways, also yes. It takes a certain kind of bravery to post a photo of my face on the Internet; the same kind of bravery I think Leonardo da Vinci displayed when he painted his famous Mona Lisa Without Makeup to raise awareness of the Black Death. Of course, getting likes was a lot easier in those days because basically everyone lived in the same village, so you could get your message across pretty easily.
I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that I am a bigger genius than Leonardo da Vinci.
These days, I have to make sure my message of awareness goes global. If every person in the world liked my no makeup selfie, that would be over 200 likes. And that’s all it takes. A lot of people don’t realise how easy it is to change the world. Many of my friends (read: idiots) go to protest marches or volunteer for various organisations. What they don’t seem to understand is that they’re wasting their own time and everyone else’s time – every second they spend marching or making phonecalls to solicit donations could be spent liking charities on Facebook, reposting meaningless platitudes on Facebook, or helping Courtney Love find that missing plane by ending all their tweets with a #MH370 hashtag.
Plus, a lot of my friends have been members of these organisations like UNICEF or AMNESTY for years and years, which as we all know is ridiculous: most issues such as cancer or war crimes clear up after a few days. If they didn’t, people would still be talking about them, and they’re not. QED.
And that’s the story of how I cured you, cancer. The rest of you don’t need to thank me, but if you could follow me on Twitter or like my Facebook page, maybe we can change the world together, one click at a time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to put my penis in a sock. It’s not for any charity in particular, I just really like the feeling of a poly-cotton blend on my cock.